What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 22.06.2025 11:45
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
My life is so biszare .
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
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She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
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We were not on the streets..
I never cut or harmed myself..
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
It was going to be , some day.
I will be 64.
All the time i was locked up.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
He knew the spot.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
This is how, and why children get BPD.
I write beautiful poetry .
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
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His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
She was in good health!
One cannot live in the past .
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
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We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
I was 9 years of age.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
When she asked me how she looked .
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
But ive been too sick for many years..
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Im still living with it.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
I had hoped to write a book about this .
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
She married twice! .
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
So, i spoilt her more .
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Would this be the day?
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
I was seconnd youngest,
Why did i forgive my father ?
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
I have no regrets .
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
I said to her
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
I did it because my mum asked me too!
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
I could never make a relationship work though!
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
I couldn’t, believe it.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
I think the readers, may guess!
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
She loved him until the end.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
So whats the point in blame.
Who then, do I blame.?
But it wasn’t much.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
I waited trembling.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
What did i know ?
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
(And it was in our own minds.)
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
And i lived it daily.
But, we were locked up after school.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
Especially a lifetime of it.
Put me off passion for life!!
As i do to all so called friends.?
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
We all went to grammer schools
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
He resisted the act ,that day.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
This is soul school!.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
Was to survive, this bastard.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
She found it foreign!.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
I was very sick at this time too.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
Ive learnt so much.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
They are buried together, in the same grave..
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
My family never makes their pension either.
I don,t even have a pension.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
I was scared of men, in general
On the 31st of Jan this month .
Comes on , in middle age.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
She wouldn,t have been !
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers